The concept of ‘mental load’ really grabbed my attention when in 2017 the Guardian published an illustration by a French comic artist called Emma. In her illustration, she conveyed how women are often perceived as (and may even unconsciously take on the role of) manager of the household chores. This was the first time I’d come across the concept presented in such a compelling way, even though it was presented rather stereotypically as something only women experience.
The term mental load speaks to the cognitive load of being a parent; making decisions, keeping mental to-do lists and anticipating needs such as when the toothpaste will run out or when vaccinations need to be booked. For new parents, this can present a challenge as they juggle the needs of a small baby or a young family with the demands of their career.
The reality of going from being an independent adult with limited household tasks to running a family can come as a surprise. The responsibility of having to remember and organise everything while also looking after the physical and emotional needs of your child is often undertaken by one parent, leading to resentment, frustration and friction.
Single parents face unique challenges that can contribute to a heavy mental load, leading to overwhelm. Taking care of your own well-being as a single parent is vital. Setting boundaries, asking for help and where possible, creating some space and time for yourself can make a difference.
Here we share five ways to help you manage the mental load:
1. Communication is key
The mental load is often the ‘unseen’ tasks that you hold in your head. Try and capture it all down in a list which you can contribute to and add to over time. Once it is written down it becomes easier to understand what needs to be done and track progress. There are some amazing apps out there that can make this easier.
2. Share the load
Once you’ve captured the list, sit down and share out all the different tasks. If you have a co-parent these Fair Play cards can be a useful tool to help with this conversation. If you are a single parent, try and consider who you might be able to ask for help or how you might ease the mental burden of remembering it all. For example, ordering a regular online shop or bulk buying birthday cards/gifts.
3. Take the pressure off
It is easy to hold ourselves to high standards when it comes to running a home and a family. Ask yourselves what is most important and what you are prepared to hold a little more lightly (for me, ironing is not a priority. Healthy and nutritious food is!) Part of this is practicing saying ‘no’ to the extra responsibilities that are a nice-to-have rather than a must-have (e.g. putting yourself forward as class rep when your child starts school).
4. Check in frequently
Things change and regularly checking in to look ahead and pre-empt what might need to be adjusted can ease stress levels. For example, looking at school holidays, or work travel trips that are coming up. If you have a co-parent, communicating about this is key and helps to ease the stress.
5. Intentionally set aside time
In your schedule, create a regular timeslot where you can focus on your home/life tasks. Knowing that you have dedicated time every week to focus on non-work priorities can be reassuring.
My colleague Sarah Turner and I have been busy creating content highlighting the importance of organisations providing support for working parents. As part of this, we created this video series exploring the entire journey of maternity leave, from before the leave starts, through to preparing to return and then the first few months back at work. If you or your organisation would like to understand more about how to support your employees as they take parental leave, please get in touch.
This blog post is a collaboration between Maternity Coaches Laura Duggal and Sarah Turner. They are working together, sharing their experiences and bringing the best of their joint advice and knowledge to you.
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